Hot Chinese Mustard Nearly Killed Me on Date Night
If you’ve never nearly died trying to impress a girl… have you really lived?
I was 20, a small-town Oklahoma boy who had never tasted Chinese food, much less picked up a pair of chopsticks.
But I was in love—with Tina.
She was bold, confident, and beautiful. And I was completely out of my depth.
How to Impress a Girl 101
We slid into a booth at her favorite Chinese restaurant. She showed me how to swirl a little red sauce with just a touch of mustard—elegant, controlled, sophisticated.
I wasn’t about to be outdone. I poured a silver-dollar pool of red sauce, dropped in two full spoonfuls of mustard, and finished with a snowstorm of crushed red pepper flakes.
One bite.
My sinuses detonated. My throat slammed shut. I bolted upright like someone lit my chair on fire. The waitress froze. The kitchen yelled, “He dead!”
Exactly what is in Chinese hot mustard sauce? I didn’t know. Obviously it wasn’t your regular French’s or Heinz. This hot Chinese mustard was an atom bomb type of mustard.
(Many years later I learned it’s made from brown, not white, mustard seeds. It has a horseradish, wasabi-like taste with a powerful, sinus-clearing kick to it.)
Tina? She laughed so hard she cried.
Boy, did I know how to impress my girlfriend!
Forty-four years later, she still brings it up every time we order egg rolls. That’s love—dumb, spicy, and one breath away from a Heimlich.
Your Turn
If you’ve ever had your own “mustard meltdown”—or a disaster date that became a lifelong inside joke—share it in the comments.
And if this story made you laugh, I hope you’ll stick around.
By all means, forward it to someone who needs the smile. Let’s see how far this one can travel.